Fostering Hope 09.24.17.mp3

Fostering Hope
Sunday, September 24th

Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Welcome to fostering hope a program that opens the door into the world look Foster care and adoption sponsored by Foster adopt connect. You'll hear stories from all facets of Foster care. When kids who've experienced the system firsthand from parents who were taking on the challenges and rewards of creating for ever Bailey's four Foster children. And from child welfare workers in policy makers who work within the system while also working to make it better besides you're an important stories you'll learn how you can help society's most vulnerable children in big ways or small. Please welcome our host the youth program supervisor at Foster adults connect. Nathan Ross. Welcome to fostering hope that. I'm your host Nathan Ross here's my cohost and for Townsend I do and tiny thing how oil and all only trying to beat me and dance has got this. Integrates the we're joined with three to Williams today hi Rachel how are you can get our U. I'm doing great recent talk to us about being a transracial adopt deal with her experiences were like from that perspective and so. Over the last couple of weeks we've heard from adoptive parents we've heard from professionals and we've heard from. Other adoptees and so we're just rounding out their conversation with our. Final adoptees sharing her experience as a racial do you talk to us tomorrow. When you puny care why you came into care and what that was like for you. So I AM was adopted and when I was three month old but I came into care. And immediately after birth I'm guessing it was probably couple days after but my name birth mom knew she wanted to placing. I'm at some point in her pregnancy towards the end. So. Basically immediately apparent. I'm so in who do you know YE. You were placed for adoption so yes so well when I was eighteen I was able to get my non identifying information which is basically. Everything minus you know names and dates things that would pay him. Let you be able to identify that person so I read in there that the reason that my mom placed me was because you know it's going to be a mixed race my done. Is African American and my mom is white. So that that's the reason. Ends and so learning that what was that like for you. I'm an eighteen it was definitely a lot easier for me to. Understand. I think if I would have known that as a kid it probably would've. Would have changed my thoughts on a lot of things and I didn't know until I was older and I'm glad I was little more ready for that information. Yeah did your parents know did you adoptive parents and my parents and adoptive parents didn't know any of that and I actually didn't tell them until islands. Probably mid Tony is that that was one of the things home on my information because I you know it would it would hurt them also yeah. What why information was given to you about lying. Your place for adoption. I'm basically she said that my birth mother. Said moon the information that she are he had two kids which and you are more honest by his owner minus ten years older. From a previous relationship. And when she. Entered the relationship. You know resulted in her being pregnant with me she thought that it will be too difficult to. Raise us together. Am I don't know fellas because my dad wasn't going to be and all am I don't really know her reasoning she did say that she thought about parenting. That she definitely considered it but she just didn't think it would be fair to either me or my siblings to raise us together. Why it's information did Q Warner parent skin view whenever you were growing up abouts. Why you're adopted today. Hypothesized. Since they didn't really know yet. They definitely my mom especially made it kind of you know a flower he. Non hurtful you explanation because. You know she just told me that. It now I was late and it was meant to be that I was meant to be her child. And whatever you know they didn't know any actual information. So. You know back when I closed adoptions were the only option they really didn't get any information and what they did that was kind of question almost you know the truth of them so you know I'm really knew they just told me it was actually that it is meant to be. And and so. You were adopted young very young when did you first know that you wore adopted. That's always a funny question people asked because. My both of my adoptive parents are YOK. So it was immediate I'm guessing you've. It wasn't ever secret so I remember being you know three and four years old. Even back that far and I remember rose and I don't know probably preschool and I'm washing my hands in the bathroom and I looked down and I the saddest moment of like a plan. I am brown in I realized it back remember. Seen it and thinking wire my hands brown and my parents aren't hand and I came home and asked them if they've you know. You heard the news that you need your adopted yeah so I think I think now he's now. Yeah and so I 'cause we hear. A variety of adoption experience is a sound young people don't find out until there. Leaving home and some like you said grew up you know like you were grew up knowing that you were adopted do you feel like that had any impact on. We became as an adult with always having that understanding. EI definite. Lean think that my acceptance of my situation was. It was always there and never felt. You know lied to or hurt about it it was always something I was really proud of him so you know growing up. I think it helped me it made me feel like I was special and finally event you know they loved me enough to choose that that was the main thing is we chose feel. You know we didn't eat or in an accident we we want Ngo. But I know that for some kids that. Look more similar to their adoptive parents and it's easier for them to not say anything. But he really wasn't an option for mind yeah it was it was pretty physically obvious so we kind of had to they were forced into telling I don't know whether they wanted to earn on. Just had to happen. Yeah I think that the marriage sustainment because the one to obviously find out later I want to look like your biological. Parents it's very difficult when you are. Very different looking Vietnam and so there is some of that the parents trying to protect the kids they think that is sometimes have a negative effect on there. Long term development. And never heard an adult adoptees say that they were told to early that they are adopted right and all. My ears so I always feel bag for the one that didn't know until they were older medium. We go through so much growing up that's just another win is the right time right to tell someone. Huge secretly I mean I just I'm just glad I am and grateful that I didn't know and I didn't have to go through that hole. You know of the transition of being like who am I alive you lied to me my whole life. Did you have other siblings. Growing up yet. Now I was an only child and fill. My parents divorced and remarried so that I had step siblings let Iowa is. I feel lucky enough to be an only child idea that the. Yeah looking so it might what was that experience like for you in growing up knowing that you were trans racially adopted and yes. It was there ever an issue. Until. People brought it up and would feel sorry for even family members it was kind of like apple you know nobody won in June so. I never felt like that so offended me when people acted that way towards low yeah million school. You know I would have my mom would come and. Kids wouldn't ask. One can master did you steal her I mean he was really upset like where did you get her the he had no understanding of how that ever happened. And older you are around that time. Probably. Worth grade. And he was just use this one of those now the kids need that would say something like that to handle. And it was offensive to my mom to yap so. You know it's wasn't like I wanted to explain to him now I'm adopted and because I didn't mean pinkie comprehend that yeah I think PM I mean how do how did she respond to that. Be it for who she just looked at him. Like he was an idiot prop him there hasn't been many. Can she didn't you know educate him on that she dispel she felt offended as a parent do you she's my parents and then her mind. When someone brings and a. It brings up feelings of you know how dare you boo him no matter if it's from a kid or from an adult. She doesn't seem any different than as if I was her natural child so. And that's and that's interestingly talked on this show before. About and people who represent different Tino communities and usually we're talking in reference to Foster and adopt communities I know we've talked twins' previous. Parents who may be adopted many children and how they get. Looks when they go up in public or people ask. Silly questions and that sometimes. We feel old. You know happy to be. Spokes. People for their community in one educate people but sometimes we don't sometimes we just wanna go out and enjoy it. A dinner with our family. And you know sometimes those questions are her fall we have feelings were adults too so. If I was her mother possibly various and then maybe no one of BP. Spokesperson in that moment or transracial adoption. Yeah yeah. I'm learning you like wind to speak up and advocated is definitely a hard thing I need time to figure out. So I and I know I know men are so we have to go to break vote I want to kind of wrap I was just a question of I'm so you talked about always knowing that you are adopted and things like that the wind did restart matter until we did that's become familiar like oh. I care about black white Hispanic and like. I think I was in. Fifth or sixth grade okay and that's what we kind of talked about earlier. Before this started when we moved to Colorado in it to small town in Colorado and I think I remember my parents having conversations with me. About what could happen and kind of warning me about what people's reactions might be just kind of mentally preparing for that. Also I think probably around fifth or sixth grade before and I didn't really care via I was in a school that was. Diverse so I'm a church that was a diverse my name my life was diverse so wasn't an issue before that. Okay and actually it's a great starting point because we come back at you wanna kind dive into that collar on a story how to they've prepped you would now but quite. And you also mentioned diversity which is so super important so. Also helping us understand what an album quite how to diversity look to you. So when we return on fostering hope we will hear more from Rachel about her experience is a transracial adopt. And how she believes parents can help kids grow in there. Understanding of transracial adoption and how the community can help its gross well. Welcome back to fostering help I'm your host Nathan Ross here's my cohost Jeff Townsend. You're talking with Rachel today as a transracial adopt T and her experiences. So reachable for break you were getting your talking to us about coming into care as an infant in me adopted. Young get always having a conversation always knowing that you adopted your parents. We're very inclusive and diverse in things like that and right before we had to stop you mentioned. The conversation developing when you were moving to Colorado sends one to pick back up there. What did that Colorado all experienced conversation local like NY who was that the first time that the conversation had to happen. I am so I grew up in. AE pretty diverse community in in Kansas City. The schools I went to the church that we attended and I was always around all different kinds of people would definitely mean you know. It was. In other fair amount of people that looked like me none that I could relate to so. There wasn't ever conversation before that. Well just in case someone says something that's offensive this is why you can. So men and I think it lose its great that we moved to this tiny town about an hour away from Grand Junction, Colorado. And gorgeous place where before we moved I remember my mom have a conversation with me. And her being. I could tell she was a little worried about. Let people are gonna think or what they might faint and not in. The way that she was embarrassed she was she's an extremely protective mother just in all situations bank. Especially in that she thought what if somebody says something her that's hurtful men interchanges her experience because she wanted me to have a good experience there. So she kind of talked to me about. You know just. Making sure that I was being open with her about high file and that. If anyone ever say anything to me that I know that it's not true and that they're just ignorant and no I don't mean to worry about it but definitely tell her. If that ever happened. So we moved and you know surprisingly I had and an amazing experience some of the best years of my life or in that town I never experienced. Racism now I don't know behind closed doors right what people might offend ranked. I you know interesting thing is. I thought about if if my family was black and we had moved to that town if if it was my natural family and we have moved how would my experience have been different. My parents were both Y yeah it was my mom my step down at the time and and our whole family was so I it was accepted I believe because of that or more except in hand to that community. And nobody ever said anything to me made me feel any different I had friends. I had you know crash is as aggressive on me you know there was no difference and the experience that I had. The up and it was not negative racially and. All now announces it interesting point that you made when you said. You you do an experienced racism but it could have been happening behind closed doors when I moved tell Belden. And our Foster parents were older white people on a farm town we had access to a country club that. As children we loved we've I'd buy my fondest memories we're going that country club and swimming and things like that. I just recently when talking to my Foster parents they were and how they actually had to deal with some of the racism that was going on from us going to the country club we never saw it never experienced it. But you are trying to raise the raids and exclusive kids and things like that tape keep us from going back and so. By Foster parents had to juggle. How to tell us we couldn't go to the country club without making it. Haiti there's a big race issue here you know so it. There was something that never crossed my mind to completely change it didn't change my experience but it also big B really realize how sometimes. My parents really have to protect their kids from these types of conversations. If that order occurred today do you think that that's their right. Way to go about that you protect the child from the real reason that that's happening. Or do you think that they should of hold Q the real reason why you couldn't go anymore. For real it worked out I have I'm a better understanding of the world now own hand racism so I'm able to process and I don't think that at the time with for the reasons we came in they care and I can handle one more I'm out there. Day crappy world and so I think that they've I've Fermi they absolutely you know wise choice of that you know we are kids having fun and you want to taint that we refer you having fun for the first time in our lives Ian. That's unfortunate though that you had to. You didn't know but they had to make a decision on whether or not the same now our kids are gonna go there right no matter what and be able to experience that if order okay well we're gonna tell them that you know they can't go anymore not tell them everything that's a lot for repairing after I have to deal within. I mean they make that choice and there I'm sure more than prepared to do those things but it's it's unfair yeah. A lot of things are fun and haven't. So Rachel you said it you did experience. And racism. You know directed towards you it might have been happening behind closed doors. Did you cholera though or any time aim windier peers experience something my week. Lincoln general racism towards people of color to which they felt like you or explosion like you were the have things you were okay aid but they felt a different way about. Your eyes tear there full time. Now I'm in Colorado and now you can. I don't know if those because those short time we were young garden but you know the the jokes now and the words and be alone you can't get mad because you're not that black I have heard that many times in my life. No but it. Not there I never. I never even it was never even thought after that conversation that we had resume on a prepared you know like oh that's weird what is she talking about. I realized where experienced it more was actually in Kansas City where I grew up. Now before we moved in after we came back and was really where. My race was an issue for people you or it was brought to my attention. Because you don't walk around thinking about what color you are on a daily basis until someone brings it to your attention now. And you have to you know either defend yourself or be offended and yeah that's such a good point so what was that like and when you first. When it was first brought up when those those little side jokes or that aren't just getting more I am black trans am not racist clearly you're young you're mice so weighted. How did you work through those experiences. I think initially because those people were my friends or people that I wanted to be friends Lydia. The cool kids or you know you just you wanna finish as a as a kid as. Growing up you just you wanna fit in somewhere you know you don't wanna make waves most of us don't you write so. I kind of brushes aside I've laughed before things that I didn't find funding them I'm allowed people to disrespect me or other people. When that's not who I am as a person now as an adult. But you know it kind of got to a point where I just stayed away from most people we can I realized that's that's them personally that they think that that's okay because not everyone. Acts like that not everyone says those things but you know it's also okay for people are saying now that does offend me then this is why it's offensive. And I think that. One thing parents need to prepare their kids for our those situations. So that they don't allow people to hurt them you just for the sake of being friends with that person or not. You know being an out. Cast yeah. Yeah I think we're probably we're not having those conversations with kids about the micro aggression and we're talking about racism. Thailand for men and really overt racism but. Not like only preparing them for the ways that they might be hurt by the people that. They care about yeah. Yep and I I totally agree with having the conversation on how to defend yourself so I'm from the hard part is. When you hear you know we love you were just ignored them they're ignorant. That doesn't do anything to help prepare each advocate or to change or to stand up for yourself and so it apps it's nearing that pardon understand there's a foundation of love but. Here's how you also you don't get walked over. I'm so we have to go to commercial break but we come back or so much talk you about social development so. You mentioned friends what does that look like and getting into this fund part of aiding and all of those things so when we return on fostering hope we'll hear more from late two Williams. As a transracial adoptees. Welcome back to fostering hope. I'm your host Nathan Ross here's my cohost Jennifer Townsend for talks with every two wins today and about her experiences as a transracial adoptees. And before break she was talking to us about moving to Colorado and how that was an actual. Better experience and she was prepared for. And in it wasn't until she got back to Kansas City that she started to really understand. Micro aggressions of racism in how people can. Joke around and actually make you feel less of a person so. We took our break you were mentioning you know your parents prepping you how you wished that they press Q and all aspects of you hosting a free yourself we talked to some. Yes so both my parents are strong people my mom has a really strong outspoken woman and my dad is you know a strong. Is strong who he is and they prepared me for most things. And what I live I've spot before about what made me. Choose differing groups that I did what made you choose to. You know date the guys that I did what attracted me to those types of people and I realized it was because I felt. I felt bad about myself when I was around. Other people people white people that is really what it was it not really during fall of their own I was just pre judging situations. Because. I knew there was going to be bad joke that was made them in any feeling comfortable learn may be their parents wouldn't like me. And they wouldn't want them to be friends with me because of bad or you know just a little side comments that are. Like he sent micro aggressions lake. Things that you can't just. While the handle it and get angry about but they make you feel that way see just minimum boy in those situations naturally because it's uncomfortable. So that changed. Where I started to grow into. When we moved back Kansas to being the friend groups that I toasty from the people I wanted to hang out with and be like. The guys that I was attracted to you I just completely stopped. Even dealing with. You know the other reasons and because I didn't feel accepted and and I was more captain in the black community because of the way that I look spoke out when I gravitated towards. And so how do you feel like hearing duty crew around that issue in what could your parents have done to make it better. Well we all I think grow and go through. Identity crisis in the you know as as we grow when your adopted or not. We all are trying to figure out who we are and you know what we wanna dress like him when we want to act like and who we on who we wanna be so. When you don't really have a foundation. Of who you are. That is a really difficult transition and when your parents do not look like you know it's a little more difficult because they can't really help you through it. And they had no education or help in helping me through it so we are all this kind of going in blind I mean it was just compacted and the fact that I was already going through changes in hand and on top of that. This added to bang that was different about me made it a little more difficult. I mean a transition into. Usually if you had a time where you had to reject part of your own race or part of who you work today either survive or tentative. Get the right type of friends or. The romantic partners definitely situationally. Throughout my life I think that I've done that without even recognizing and then like we talked about those the jokes Letterman yeah so let's say I was with a group of friends that were you know mainly light and they made a joke and I would have to laugh about it. And pretend like it didn't hurt mean kind of reject patent. Pretend like I'm white earth secondly yeah I mean my other room. When he didn't and then you know on the flip side of that. Whenever. I started and I don't know I mean I was probably gain. Thirteen. I really start gravitating towards the black community that's where I felt more accepted Sullivan I really just completely. Mean are gone about how you know any other race that I could possibly be nice isn't considered myself at that point. Black because that's what I have been labeled and I was OK with that. I was fine with with being that. And I think that's kind of where it stayed throughout the majority of my life. Even into. And groups and mandating every every guy that I DNN has been in African American and then not even any other if no. So I think it just kind of shaped where I was going with my life my husband is black. My parents were probably pretty surprised and I think most people might be a little surprised about that and just because that's not what I'm used to that now when I grow up and then that's just what I gravitated towards. Do you think that if your parents had done something differently to your. That the boyfriend that you had when I didn't get a friend that the frenzy had would have been different and that's what could they have done a what are some steps to take could've taken. My dad was is great. Add. Really understanding what I needed as far as I'm understanding my ain't my heritage tune so when I was young he would buying me essence magazine or he bombing. Toni Braxton CB Shawntae Phoebe and when I was I don't even know how old atlas I was pretty young. And he just one enemy sir always knew. Bet that is also part of who land him. My mom wasn't so much into that she didn't really care or think about it so. I don't know. If they necessarily help me they were just open when I had questions and they just didn't. Say this is who you have the Gator this is we have to be friends when you hit a lot of their friends were black or white or Hispanic or whatever they were. So. I don't know what I can say for people to help its. It's a parenting thing it's not even necessary necessarily an adoption thing about mining its we all have to help our kids through. Growing up and certain situations. And it just turns into being open with them no matter what it is open to their questions. You can't prepare yourself for what your kids are gonna go through you have no idea what they're going to go through. Yeah and I remember in fifth grade. I'm there was a school dance and there's this girl was like oh we're gonna turn dating we're going now oh my gosh it's greedy. And so you know we were dating and then she went home address and things like cancer talks prepares us and candy you could your black. And that was my first time ever like. Ever having any experience with the fact that something that I can't control the into people never met me they know nothing about me. The net control. Has such an impact on my life now the fifth grade girlfriend so it it didn't. In my wife now housewife so and I didn't have any long term like I'm racist now unscrew all white people Mac app and on the same side I do you know of people in the black community who met because that is their experience they have completely rejected. Any other race that's not the around and so I I actually I don't even remember I told my Foster parents about it I was so. Astound just lay it wide and you know trying to talk to her and I plead my case I felt like I had to justify. Well yeah I'm black but I didn't use it I don't wanna be well I don't change I'll change for you and so there was a time for me that I really wish that I could turn why because. Every one of the round it was why and I was told that this was beyond my skin was going to be a problem so how do why. They tell a sad story that teaching fifth grade knee then making that argument is adorable oh yeah. It was pathetic. Were you actually do it in so have you given a lot of thought to what Rachel saying now about. Her socialization and why she picked the friends she picked her why she now went. Yeah I'm an only wife friends at this point in her life from predominantly. People of color at this point in their life have you given. Yeah I think I've been on the other side of it and so for me I always wanted to blend in and because there were no there were very few black people in my community. I wanted to do everything it could be as white as possible and where I felt like that's how you survive I didn't want. You make the joke I would rather people say oh my guy your credits you're a stand to stereotype me as oh you're another game being in. You know thank you short person and so like I have experienced that my voice if it's gonna happen I'd rather be exception on the positive then the stereotype and so. I think. Growing up I give up a lot of opportunities to learn don't. My actual culture heritage anything of that because I didn't want people to associate it with the and so. Had you know mostly like friends and you white people which wasn't conscious anyway by just how worked out I was the majority and so I think that. My parents never rejected me by any means but there for sure there also wasn't a conversation of how do you accept you are in already become OK with who you are and go out there and tell people. They don't get to talk to you about your race they don't get to say. You're not enough becomes something you can't control mound which I think they have grown in that their ability to do that as they've had. Five billion children you have sends me but. He'll let it like growing up in the growing up I don't Clinton realized that I cared about it so what I was proactively asking them either mound but it's one of those things where you. You know as a parent I I think I could change anything it's that he had just going to be important you know but it will be a movie might be some time so he'll start prepping. Yet if you haven't experienced it like my parents obviously. Mine I guess I shouldn't say obviously but they never experienced. Being on the receiving end of any sort of racism and so it was hard for them to relate. To me and my experience is because they have never. If anything they were the ones that were contributing to those experiences for other people at some point in their life. So. I think that was kind of weird the I had to learn on my own or ask other people come back to where that came in because they can only be so supportive of something. They were supportive parents yeah I have those conversations were hard to have because they even though they knew exactly answers what exactly. It is real super important that we understand that. The lending is empathy the very best that we can do is empathy and that is not the same as actually having to lived experience right. Yep and that conversation moves so important. Actually so you. And as we were about the same and discomfort with hard to us when you were in black community you said he felt more home to do you still have to deal with whenever you want. Lack enough OIM conversations. Oh definitely I mean. Mostly because. Well first of the way that I speak it's really obvious. I'm in the way that I speak but also the way that I look and you know when I was younger I liked my hair streaked in London lighter skin in my features are different. And I found myself wanting to look like. Them I'm talented I wanted. More African American features I felt not black enough sometimes in most situations in so yeah I mean I definitely. I had similar experiences just just different yeah and in both groups. But so in you'd actually touched on is so hard when you're developing as a teen you're going to although normal teen development also have a racial identity crisis and no matter which way you turn it's like you're getting pushed back and so our parents really do you have to get in the area and it's tough it's ugly but really had those conversations and build your children up when they go on their own. Did you go to commercial break the way we come back cool wrap up about how can our community health what are things that we want to see differently on fostering. I'm okay. Welcome back to fostering health. I'm your host Nathan Ross here with my co host Jennifer Townsend the guitar to a three till today about her experiences as a transracial adoptees. Growing up learning how to bake friends how to build intimate relationships and things like that while understanding and figuring out her racial identity sorry Rachel my question. Is. Did you feel at any point and the you have to reconnect with birth and we did you go through the re connection experiences. And how is specially are your racial experience. I have one end to them. Connect with my name birth parents since I can remember my it was a really young the first time I talked my mom about it and that subject for us has been. You know it's a touchy subject Mike I've talked about of where she's extremely protective and that applies to all areas of my life including. My birth parents and so she's uncomfortable with that but it hasn't stopped me from looking anxious to recent lean. Sent my DNA sample in so that we can. You know figure out what my racial background is but I also see if there any family members that I can connect with through that so. You know waiting impatiently and come back. And like this and I also got my name not identifying information and from the adoption agency being. The my parents went through many information that I could get I have gotten and I'm just I'm always searching I think. There's a lot of if adoptees out there that are just constantly on the search. You literally searching through people's faces the right trying to see if you can connect with anyone. It definitely. Is something I wanna connect with because I never had it before I've never had anyone that looks like me. Not only feature wise but just in my family and it would be nice to have that and that and I have siblings. I wanna connect with. So it hasn't. If it doesn't happen. I still had a great life my parents are so amazing and I'm so glad I had the experiences and I did but it would definitely be a piece of the puzzle. Then I would like to. Not such an important piece is I hear it from every single adoptees that. Knowing. Even if you look like and committed people. Don't even think about blood. Being able to see oh my gosh I had that person dies dimples you know even indict personality marquise hill we think the same is so extremely important. Nothing instantly erase issue that's just I want to know who I'm connected to in this world. Nobody tells you to do that but I heard it from so many it'll Pataki's my life. News that her mother had red hair and sent a clear at place with a lot of other people and she sees a red haired woman who are red haired woman who is actually her mother's age. It would always catcher I yup that's not something somebody told you to do it's just something that. A lot of adult teeth adult adoptees have done this looking. That connection yeah that's a lot easier to say I am OK with who I am and how I look. When you know that there's someone who looks like you know that's actually true. So we kind of we're always searching for that that person that a lot of times. Are or race the way we look garner you know. What whenever we're going through is it is presented as a negative by other people. But if you have them back what I look like my mom. No look like my dad and then I don't have that. I'm never I've had to just defend myself yeah and you know it's made me umps are stronger person in some way but it would be nice to say we I look like this. Because I look like. My mom Iran and look like my family but I I don't have a break now so I guess I'm still searching for an even playing nine years old be nice. Absolutely. So as we wrap up the conversation what can our community do how do we engage in this conversation is such a big. Conversation we've talked about for a few weeks but it would we deal. I would say four or. Foster parents adoptive parents anyone who is caring for a child. That is of another if that is in their biological family member or even if they are. Be understanding. That. There feelings are. Real and valid then you know don't push them off as just don't think about it. Because it doesn't happen that way we hold onto those things and educate yourself. On what they might go through talked other older adopt these older Foster care older people who have been through similar situations. So that you can help your kids if you have to have someone there for them to be able to talk to of their growing up here. Now has been through similar situations do that for them. I mean most people do anything for their kids so think of all the ways you can help them transition you know through life. And they're they're going to be a lot of changes that happened but. There's so many people out there that can help. There's no reason why he shouldn't be reaching out to those people. Or that help for your own kids. And community life. We talked about teacher and then. People in churches and just people it interacts with these families. Just accept them like you would anyone health and also understand that their feelings are Malin. You know be conscious of what you're saying. Around them just like he should be for any person at Granada and adoption issue that's just. Like you to that of people issue rent. People need to be more aware of other people's feelings toward certain things and if you hurt someone's feelings restate something inappropriate apologize for it and learn from it. Anger government we're going to say things that are hurtful we all deal. So just acknowledge that that's that's a real feeling that they have. We've heard so much over the months with the show the importance of connection and growing people an advocacy growing and being able to. Defend themselves and defend others and so I think that we are seeing fits absolutely this taste conversation but Justin everything in general back connection piece. Is so important I think we forget the worst social creatures were not meant to be alone on its tackle things alone. The identity is helped by seeing people you look like being able to see personalities that you match and so. I can have the most loving adoptive family other family in the world. I'm still going to want and piece that says this is where you're biologically when this is these are the people in the world who are roaming around. Looking exactly. Craig you do your own outside I love I love my Fam and I love hearing. Bill you're just like your mommy just like your dad your siblings face it there's also always going to be a part of me that's like why can't I can't really be like them because I'm not. Mean from them you know the great compliment but the same time I want like we're the people who. Genetically I'm like oh wow yeah you for sure and you have. The big guys like your mom down then your cousin and your grandma I am you know everyone sound. Definitely. We adoptive parents. One thing that my mom did that was hurtful. But I still love her yeah. And she discouraging me from. And still has really strong feelings towards and it made me feel extreme guilt towards the vision and stop order you know quite a YL. Stop looking that I never really stopped looking so it created that could have been if we didn't have such a strong relationship. You know I could have broken our relationship down emblem that she. Would tell me if I were you I would look I do you wanna know I mean I went on an old. She didn't you know she didn't wanna carry you so. You know why why do you wanna know her yeah and I felt bad I don't wanna hurt my mom right. So. Before you enter into a situation where an act that happened just. Make sure your aware of your feelings. And kind of pull back if you mean to where it can be supportive of them in something that is a positive. If they feeling me back then. Help them along the way. Yeah because you also they had a conversation with and if you can't they can't talk to you and they have to go through this alone. If it does go negatively they can't come to you and say this didn't go well you know I wanna be wanna be able to talk to your parents move her about those issues. Well thank you so much racial for being with us today we have close out you had such great information and we really value on your ex your experience and expertise. You've been listening to fostering hope brought you by Foster adopt connect a comprehensive regional support and advocacy center. For abused and neglected children and the fame he's caring for them. To learn how to become a Foster parent for help to help vulnerable children and other ways. Please visit Foster adopt dot org or follow Foster dock connector on FaceBook Twitter. You will be hearing more from us in the future until next time.