Fostering Hope 07.09.17.mp3

Fostering Hope
Monday, August 7th

Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Welcome to fostering hope a program that opens the door into the world look Foster care and adoption sponsored by Foster adopt connect. You'll hear stories from all facets of Foster care. When kids who've experienced the system firsthand from parents who were taking on the challenges and rewards of creating for ever Bailey's four Foster children. And from child welfare workers in policy makers who work within the system while also working to make it better besides you're an important stories you'll learn how you can help society's most vulnerable children in big ways or small. Please welcome our host the youth program supervisor at Foster adults connect. Nathan Ross. I welcome back to plastering hope this is your host for today Liz loose with my co host Jennifer Thompson hi Jennifer hi eight. And we have a very special guests say you anonymous also as a host of fostering hope and I made them rot. And move he is going to talk to us a little bit about his experience and before him going in Foster care and after being adopted. And a little bit about how I felt like prince anything and you can just tell us a little bit personal stuff about you that would be great yeah of course so. I really. Was interest and and being that guest on this segment because we really were talking about attachment Centene development and things like that and though I am not eighteen anymore. I am not so far removed from that experience that I have forgotten what it was like. So go out my name is Nathan Ross now I was born Ronald bass and I grew up in Kansas City I've lived here my whole life. Twit live with my biological mom and older sister had three. Triplett younger Brothers and my super creative mom named them Larry Gary and Gary so that was beautiful madam. Early on I mean we grew up because my mom had all finalists before she was I think 23. The high school diploma we didn't have a lot so early are we beyond kind of learned that we were. I'm doing what foul but it was great for us because we had her mom you know and so a lot of our experiences were about. Being with her and because she was so young she is like a big kid tasks you know very play for things. I'm and so wasn't really until I was about five years old then we started to have our first experiences that I can vaguely remember. With a child welfare system. At the time we were getting how my calls mostly for neglect my way. People in the community we're seeing that we didn't have the proper clothing on you know how it pans things like that. Worry about are eating habits and dirty and stuff and so. We had a hotline calls and back when I was before I can Medicare was very much a practiced you have the interviewer asked questions and the child with a parent in the room. And so it was not a big deal to us high and can remember you know even back then knowing that my mom was the greatest thing and so we had no intention of telling anything that was wrong. But for us honestly at that time nothing seemed wrong we had us everything we need and this though about the time that I would seven really Vista are due to shift in our family my mom struggled very. Jenny very difficult time managing being a parent of five children and trying to maintain in your relationship with that. A significant other so my biological sister Katrina and I had. Share the same father and then the triplet Brothers had a different dad and their biracial and so. Both dads rather picture before I could remember and my mom continually had different men in the house. And again there was that struggle. As we couldn't go anywhere and they could and so we pretty quickly got put on the back burner we were those kids to you weren't supposed to be seen or heard. You know we stayed in our rooms we stayed very quiet or there are consequences. And we grew up in a community where having thinking this was no big deal people use switches and belts that was. The norm you knew you respected your elders you knew yes ma'am yes are you. We're always very you know appropriate and if you weren't anyone who is in your family line or its associated with your family went to the same churches you. They space you and so. These now that would get somehow line quickly were things that were okay for us but again we stars recognize that the things that we were getting in on beaten for. We start you become really just. Ridiculous you know things like walking across. Upstairs and because before Crete you know disturb my mom or asking when we are going to eat. On things like that or just because she was having a bad day and wanna take her frustrations out on us. Iran. So you all that was happening though for me she was still birth mom she was still the person that. To care Lester showed enough love as we were developing that we had those attachments to her that we have both connections with her man made her. Again the greatest staying in so. As we start having more of the hotline calls and I start to understand what they were asking for. It was very much my purpose to make sure that if they thought everything in our homes okay. So they would ask are you being fed. Of course we word how does your mom does a plan what we go to time out you know sometimes you will give us a little spanking but this guy anything severe. I'm in you know kind of elaborate on stories that really as we went. Further and further into the years of my mom became a way for me to live out what we had hoped would be our reality. I'm so that became our norm and really I think when we first started being starved it came from a reaction. That it my mom was on welfare and I've. I truly believe that she wasn't able to buy food at one point in time and because she is trifle it was hard for her to say I can't buy food so instead you told us. It was because our behavior. And CNET com how that affected us you know starving became just part of the everyday consequence if we did anything that she thought was misbehaving. We would go a day a week maybe two weeks without solid meals and which time we would have. Bread water and that was it. Unfortunately because we were being star for such long times at this point. When we finally get a meal our bodies would reject the food so we would vomit and then she would see that as disrespecting her disobeying. And so are punishment for starvation would go even longer. Are you in school during that time and we were in school at that time and it. For me school was absolutely nothing I focused on getting faint while I was at school my whole thing wasn't getting sued and being the class clown I want everyone to think that again my life was fine and so. I was the disrupting kid who couldn't focus and I didn't know anything that was going on with the lessons because we were going to school but not all not straight through. If we were our severe punishment a moment keep us at home to make sure we didn't even know. And so. Instead telling people all I don't understand immaterial I can just you know goof off and I don't care about this I don't care about math and then I would poured through to meet me in my siblings were record food. Take you back home and tried to hide it so that we can ration it out as long as we needed to win through it ever starvation stretch we were going into. Say you are the class clown at home are at school at home where you. The primary peacekeeper did you all kind of yeah guys over all my mom was very good at manipulating people especially her children and so one of the things that she told me because I was always boy at the times that I had to be. The man in the house when there wasn't one. And then she had a different relationship with my sister who's actually older than me and that that female bonding this is my daughter and so. We split kind of the responsibility of taking care of the house when she wasn't there especially if again we want allowed to go to school. And so it she was so good and Ed scaring us that she could leave and go to war three hours and tell us that we were supposed to be starting for the day. And we would for the most part not eat I mean we would do if you trash cans and try to find ways to have food we wouldn't make anything and so she was very good at letting us. Think that she had eyes. Everywhere and so old because she told me that I was the man's house. About the time and then I was eight or nine among decided that it was in her best interest for me to start giving out the punishment that she had for us so. She wanted us to have the being it was my job to be all the rest of my siblings with what ever she gave me until she was tighter to. I mean it was very much that conversation of if you don't do it I will you know be worse for them and you'll join me in so you know every time I have to tell that part I really. It is hard and want this to be a part where I say I took the stand and I you know stop my mom and move but it's not the case and I very much I started. I'm being my siblings for her and you know part of it was that fear factor and that's survival and the other part was the brain washing that you know she was able to get me start thinking well if I'm out of it. Maybe they are doing something that they're not supposed to be doing them and nick. That makes up the hardest is they my siblings and hated me for that afterwards we would sit there we cry together we would try to. You know find things to laugh about wish my mom dad things like that and you know try to move on. But that became our life until. I'm on August of 99 when we had what would be our last investigator come to the house and then at that time. My mom had resorted to locking two of my Brothers downstairs during the day while she was gone so. He would tie the knot she would tie the door. I'm in gagged them Telus to go to school and not tell him what was going on. And when she found out this investigator was coming she told us to tell the investigator. That they were with their biological dad. Because of behaviors were so severe so we were we're very well versed in this we understood the routine we had multiple investigators and our homes in those ten years. And against it was that thread if you don't it's gonna happen to you but if you do will Fijian. So this investigator comes out she doesn't just a very sound. Small surge of the house doesn't very preliminary search make sure that there's two in the cabinet and just stays on the main level. I'm assets all the same questions we are used to asking him right before leaving she does ask where are your Brothers in which case we were hers exactly we repeat example our mom told us to. And she said why I'm gonna have to see them before I can close out your case. Well unfortunately she didn't follow through on that and so she went back to her supervisor they signed out the case saying no services were needed. Without ever seeing my Brothers and two months later. My mom got mad at them for sneaking out that caused the basement and getting food and she had me run. A hot bath that she pushed them into which burned their skin. Leading to infections that two weeks later did killed them and so. When that happened for us we. Became this family that everyone they knew about and we were in the system everyone wanted to wrap around supports for us and they were outraged and my mom in the system but for me at that point I was absolutely furious and down with everyone. So at that point we went into the Salvation Army children's shelter where we stayed for six months. And how old are you. I was ten at the time that I can and can held or it was your sister in your hand of my sister was twelve in my younger Brothers were. Eat went on so Jerry survived and glaring Gary died when they were eight. Q so much for sharing that test and when we come back I'm posturing I hope we're going to talk a little bit about Nathan's experiences and Foster care and I want that looked like coming from such as. I'm terrible. And start so he can thank you and we will be back with plastering the. Yeah. Welcome back to fostering hope we are and speaking with Nathan Ross who is our post usually here I'm posturing out. Today you get myself listless and Jennifer counts and he just went through telling us his story and before coming into Foster care. And thank you so much for sharing conference and now we must be difficult. Let's and we left off unless you going into the shelter with your siblings so can you tell us what that look like for you entering Foster care after the experience that you had. Yes so we spent six months of the Salvation Army and it in that time my biological father moved back from Indiana. To try to get custody of me in my sister and he was told you have to take my brother as well which he agreed to deal. So he and his wife came up and started visits with us and started that process but we are very terrified of him. All we have with the stories of my birth mom who told me that he was a piece says and that he you know hit her knocked her teeth out and things like that and so. That's how we had to go on so we were very adamant about not wanting to go with him. Through some circumstances. And then finding out what was going on with his own family in Indiana we ended up not going to live with hand. And so we leaner and as a Salvation Army longer than tip kids typically are supposed to none biewer before we were told we were born to a home and Belton Missouri. Simple boys are now we are going to dawn had no idea what it was and in nineteen it was 2000 at this time and three urban. Kids who move to country what we considered. Hick town. Belton Missouri you know at this time we move there and saw these two. Elderly 6560. Year old. White people who are supposed to become our parents and so. It was a very big cultural shock for us you know we saw people riding horses and pulling things on tractors and staff and I didn't make any sense in it seemed honestly we're gonna die I mean. That's clearly because ELN are closer it was very much like people are the enemy and I that's the epitome of the racist wife April are in the country so we thought this is how they're gonna get rid of us Foster care system. The benefit though for me was that because. Our Foster parents were elderly and white it allowed me to have to worry about attaching them though. I was very content to be there they had a very big farm so we thought they were going to be rich and give us everything we want and and we knew through until we aged out. To us thinking at that time. So it away and how when you when you didn't event. I know that you had said earlier because of the enormity of what happened in your case that supports that surrounded you learn huge. I imagine and because it was such a high profile case that you had. It's every service known to man who offered TO and what. What does that compare to I'm as far as what you see you know now you are yeah I heard just taken out for a reasons that aren't so flashy. Yeah in your sleep right because our our case was on every news station and you know even nationally you. Are cases on the news we had a lot of support we had caseworkers of course and a therapist will send mentors and tutors. We joined a country club got bikes donated people gave us stuff from the community to try to you know help make things feel better. We had every opportunity afforded to us that we needed and it was. It was great I can see the benefit as an adult now but as a kid it was just stuff you know I was great that you were given a spice and you know we got just swimming but I didn't appreciate. How much it was helping my life until I got to the you know my adulthood. So is. Some in an IX assumed was typical for kids in care until I start working in this field and realizing their kids you've gone through the similar circumstances. As I have. And but didn't have publicity and went Wednesday it. Are bouncing around from multiple homes aren't getting nearly the amount supporters aren't having the stability that I was afforded. And are having a lot of those consequences that come from being abused and neglected. And we Obama people who listen that we would. Have a lot of long term mental health issues and developmental delays and if I honestly can tell you is because of the support that we had in place that. Shepherd us through that that we were able to get to place we stabilized near your Foster harmony Lipton and a group they worry aware. I mean it was a long term Yasser yeah they were they knew we were very fortunate and we were again 1210 and eight when we came in the care which we are all considered individually. Should we hard. Kids to place. On the Euro and the fact aware siblings makes it harder you at our story. It makes it even more difficult and so the fact that we were able to stay together in one home before we went to our adoptive resources was amazing. At the time for me it was dramatized in because I had assumed that if I was good. Then I would get to stay with this Foster family forever and so though I went in there are sit thinking I want to connect to these people. Because our support for so consistent and because our Foster parents weren't so great and meeting that's where we war I started to bond to them I did bond to them and I thought. Though I will never see you as mom and dad I can't see us grandma grandpa mom I love you guys I wanna be here now I'm not verbalize in that eleven years old but you know those are that basically the feeling so. When we're told we are going to an adoptive resource. I was devastated I didn't understand why. That was compounded by the fact that. My sister and I and then moving to the adoptive resource and our brother ended up staying with our Foster family. In getting adopted by them eventually and so how did how did they managed to break down now wallet. And what sort of things. Led you to be able to attached to them oh we worry the alien children I mean we were those kids that really new here. About a simple Foster child go to bed DO throws things 'cause this is stuff like the we'd try and all of that because we found out that in Foster care he can't be Spain ten so we did everything he could it was you know holiday for us. An arm pit and that Jackie Caylee they were so great they were so great that they were very much that accommodating they were. Me I need you go to tiny amount paid commute you know stop they didn't you Alan nasty ask permission and they were. I'm they gave us the chance to have the emotions that we were supposed to suppress when we lived with an arm birth mom and they continued to again reinvest they held us accountable though with school and intones you have to do hallmark you have to meet these criteria so we had those consequences. But in a very nurturing way and that's what started to break down that wall and so before you realized that there was never a conscious. Oh I'm deciding that that allow you it was very much that over those two and a half years that we were there. Because they kept reinvesting we realized that no matter what we did they weren't gonna hurt us and the same with our other supports our mentors and tutors and things like that. That's one now wall start to come down and so. Then moving to the Ross house. It all went right back up because you know I kind of convinced myself before going to jacking Caylee is dead I need anyone and that adults couldn't be trusted. An estate you know palette and it's my life they would manipulate it hurt me. So that. Got less and when Jack and Caylee and then went right back and I'll explain myself again the. Do you feel like you're and able to make and I just might miss them. Is a question Polly that you know now that you probably weren't thinking and then maybe because you had that first I gears for your mama's. You know. A very loving and and not be some great nominees most gee you know couldn't handle what was going on anymore because you had that. And during those very first years do you believe it was easier to attached. And today to get through that that would have been had you been neglected from the very beginning. No I for me it actually may actually difficult to attach it's something that even as it did twenty year old today it's still not easy for me just to pass people. I ate at that time that was still my birth mom and I put her above everyone else with the exception of dean and Gerri. But so is she was it Ayodhya wanna test anyone in that conflict made extremely difficult. Then there was an abandoned man and then worry the other herd immunity if she loved me can do this. There are other what are people who have no connection to you gonna do to meet the Sawyer yeah I mean. It's hard to say what I would have been like I was neglected but I can't say that is extremely difficult because I wasn't super neglect all the time there were good times with Mary. So. They knew that if he trusted someone that anyone at this point in right absolutely. I'm so we have will be coming back with fostering hope in speaking to you a little bit about. What it looked like when you and then went throughout sailing and that is optional like and I am very excited to hear all about that. When we come back I'm posturing. Okay. Welcome back to fostering hope this is today's host Liz Liz with other host Jennifer towns and Jennifer you do that intrude into the stagnant so Allan thank you so obviously yeah thank you we're here it may then our usual post. And guess today our guest. And he is speaking to us a little bit about his experience in Foster care and we left off sort of when he moved from his first Foster home is one poster come into that well become his adoptive placement. So how did how did that happen and how did. How did you. Com Q you have contact with Iran says how they come and take your life. So our remember it's a little different than how it is on paper when I got my records I saw it differently when we if first got told about the Ross this to me when I remember isn't blind side like we were in Findlay therapy and they told us hey you're going to be move. Him when I got my records it was very much this long. The deal like hey this a Foster home remember once of affairs I just had no concept of Foster adoption. Weren't the same word that can just interchange the fan what do you mean by that I know there's been at least ten adoption fairs and I think some places still do them where you basically take kids around my cattle and show them off to people to try to buy. Is what it feels like you know IK duo. Song and dance and you might get a parent unless that sixteen dating back yet option and so. You know when things that sucked about that as they you know always you were looking for kids and then you don't have the same way. Afterwards from what's wrong with you know who Tom so. Anyway we have those I but I never again put a lot of thought into them and does very very angry when we moved to their offices and told myself that was not going to let these people. Tricked me like you know my Foster family have and when we grew up with we were in Foster care. It was just me in my siblings and so my mr. Ross house. There were I think nine other kids already in the faintly on so. That was very shocking and terrifying and I told people repeatedly that did not want to live there. So you felt manipulated by your mother. And then tracked by your Foster family yes they are going into. Pre adoptive home what would be your adoptive home. When that it's. And a looming over you know exact so okay. So I tried to do similar things that I did in the Foster family but on much smaller scale. Because my survival instincts were still there and Gloria Randy were much younger and it was the first time having a young dad and I wasn't sure. What he would deal I knew that you. Couldn't be spanked him our secure but I also knew he wants to he'd be here at this time of course of the meeting your children I'm off and on its own. I was very terrified at what as to what they can do inside did not pushed too far. I found the line and just always went right to it and then tried to get them in my goal was get them to move me to another family. And I remember my mom's specifically yes telling me and other Simmons at the time. Doesn't matter what your next what you do you're stuck here you know basically almost like a threat teeth or you're and extremely. No matter if you want to be or not and so you know it wasn't like it clicked OK she really means it. But that and you know those type of interactions to start the kind chip away at that. Warming means he said he wanted to be moved to another home did you have an ideal. Home did you have something in mind that you wanted to rather than ross' home. And I think honestly it was there isn't quite a long time that I still hopes to go back to my birth mom who. At this time I'm pretty sure knew we weren't going to cause I was I would have been thirteen when I came to the Ross's and so. When I was living with my Foster family whom we found out that she was sentenced to multiple licenses in jail so we knew we weren't going back. But that was only. Goatee that I had I didn't know where else I want to go I just knew I didn't wanna stay there but at the accountability was much more intense than mum had siblings who to me were awful. You know they I did not like having other people in other kids with other. You know personalities who could. They could hit me you know newborns in the fancy Foster parents. You know I did my caddie to do all those interactions when it was just me and my siblings I was used to a certain amount of really authority over them you know I was raised that way and so having older siblings for the first time who were stable and who were like a little boy. Just sit down then I hated hated not having the most control and so I wanted to leave repeatedly. You had mentioned in the first segment that school was really just a place in the class can clown and try to get food so. I'm obviously at this point your life present day Europe college graduate successful. You know Mae and Mo won't school like for you when you were in the ross' home. I'm I really. My parents who were much very much the consequence in you know if you don't get certain amount of grades your grounded things like that and so that was helpful. Both for me with the schooling thing whom I had a tutor Susie industry is actually on this show who we first started an anti union honey yeah. Yes she wasn't any for the roster and we when I moved in and so. But she and her husband. I'm took me my sister under their wing and really tutored us very intensely. And stability in that social support relationship having them inter relationship from them. It made me not want to disappoint them educationally and so I had my parents I didn't want to disappoint I want them to see me as the decade and then had. Dizzy and Zach who wanted to see me as a good student because you know they set goals for me when I would achieve them they did this reward you no consequence system and so. That really help me on track with scorn at duke again and that was for like the first year and a half I was there none wants a contract they kind of backed out and it just became my norm and my expectation once and and it was and I continued to meet at and so. That's really what changed me for school isn't finding those people that kind of kicked me in the butt and said you have to. No I know I don't actually worked golfer can tee until she ended up giving them belly to use speech right. And her I'll turn this right now and it's absolutely and so could we we were behind I mean we start to catch up woo with. I'm jacking K in the week there were pieces in middle school that we didn't realize we didn't get me and then going in high school we realized we were a little behind on and so did honestly without the support of my parents and without sport and Zack and Susie and cities especially Kuwait with me to. My freshman. High school and said hey don't hold him back please let him be in this class so that he can get on track with the students who knows are the things that changed my academic trajectory and. A supporting you but also advocating for a yes. On to other professional very direct advocacy. Very much it really did it shaped the course of mine my life. Obviously at some point he started to stabilize I mean outside of schools specifically started to stabilize in the home can you speak to you how that came to be a little bit. Yeah one of my sisters and I was the first person adds I'm greeted me and and my sister continuing got there and she was eight years old at the time that she just was kind of like how cool new kids and so. She instantly we had bonded then she helped me feel like that famine was guys ask her all types of questions like hey. These parents Peter King is due now and trying to get like that below now from our end. This is like oh no this is good in this what's good about the house and this is at an idol lots of questions about my dad because again. There's a mail for the first time. In my life who is young. Who wasn't aggressive or abusive to my mom and so I wasn't sure what his motives war inside asked a lot of questions about Hammond. You know so that peace really helped and then get a really was that. Having normalized experiences because of mine adoptive parents you know. It wasn't just where hold you to this lying because you're in Foster care with these consequences it was. You can be is no place you wanna be you can be more unmanned your story and we expect you to do so. Yes we're gonna hold you to this academically but also we're gonna give you these rewards and these abilities because you're doing what you're supposed to do so being able to go hang out with friends being able to eventually. You know get a car get a self do all the things that my peer group what we're doing that too. Was very important and also I mean the part. Then it. People often miss is that Iowa's developmentally behind I mean I missed out on a lot of childhood experiences some in so. My parents were very good about letting me be. 89 years old when I was at home and then being fourteen or fifteen when I was there I go out with my peers that's what I needed I needed what I look like so I mean I honestly and my being my sister she is the only person who was there in my age group she played football since I played with dolls with our heat I would do. Whenever it is that she was doing and then we would. Play make believe and we would do all that stuff and so. I found and then I would go to middle school and you know has to be with my peer group and of course being with the boys and so. The card games the hot wheels the nerve guns all that stuff. Loved it and so it was really going back and forth that balance that was never shamed when I was at home yeah I was hammer your boy your fifteen year old boy. Why are jacking like it and so by the time that I got really. Into the later part. Middle late parts of high school I was really pretty much on target on developments we I had once I had a job really everything start to flow. And I got a job and start to get on there so by the time I went to college. It was people who are eventually found a nice story had no idea. And I came from my Fey did and it's really because I had that experience when I was at home toad really go through those formative years quickly. I'm but still have the ability to do sound. Well how old were you when you're actually adopted by the process I was left when I was. Thirteen or fourteen I can't remember how old I was. It was in between semesters and try and remember if it was right after the semester when I would have turned fourteen arrive before so I think I was thirteen. I was adopted. Did you know did you notice any big. Change did you feel notably different immediately following your adoption. No end. It was one of the things those progressive I felt really a little bit relieved that I was a you know that's changed my name and so I was a Ross since I knew that they were my parents. But I also went through a long time I didn't want people to know that I was in Foster care and having my parents who are white. Isn't obvious clue an academy Simmons that I had was an obvious clue. Pizarro who really tried to reject them a lot when I was out in public I didn't want to be associated with my family and home. And he really wasn't until I was. My second year college that is hard to be okay I'm that I was adopted and as a dog by white people and fifteen billion siblings I'm so. While I felt a little bit connect to them and I loved them I'm as much as I could at that time there was still a part of me that. Reject them on into my twenties did your siblings your parents or her county about feeling reject it. I AM not that I remember. And big fee only on words like. It's mostly sarcasm and put downs on and we do it and very loving way but yeah. Content can you tests and that was an IKEA and we are very at a but I I do had I didn't as my survival instinct part of it was just being able to read and it's I was able to do that figure out here that I need to get more. Wonderful while I am when we come back I think we're gonna talk more about why Nathan flight just looked like an adult head and you're listening to fostering helpful. Yeah. Welcome back to fostering health this issuer today host Liz lists with my today co host Jennifer Johnson. And we are fortunate to be talking to Nathan Ross who was our usual most he has them. Very wonderfully Calista story thank you so much for that and plan snow that has experienced Foster care and I mean adopted now we can I want to go into a you're seemingly pretty successful adults I mean seemed pretty normal seemingly come on most of the time you seemed pretty normal I'm. We would like to I guess to chill a bit about why a delay has looked like trio in them and and how your past has affected you know your choice is to get. Absolutely so. And edit lousy team you know is that very typical U graduate from high school go off to college type thing and so that was one of my. As an actor or being very hesitant I was very excited to go to college and I remember mom my mom and dad. I'm taking me to school moving me and and I thought it was perfectly fine I thought I A was down enough with them they're going off to school was going to be no big deal and I remember them leaving and me. I hit it being depressed honestly. For the first few hours that I was there and then the first couple weeks I was like wait my family isn't. Here and I and we grew up with the Ross is four or five years before I went off to school that I wasn't a long time to be and that's namely to then go and do something his biggest going off. The college and so it was a little bit and an adjustment. On the but then the it would come home for Christmas and Thanksgiving be able to call them special and needed money. And having them you know slowly but didn't get it to me and I. Those things help me stay connected and then eventually you know when I moved back home and started working in the field. I'm you know working for our mother had you know kind of really help me tie and and so as well. Really the time that I wasn't going to come home from school I went to college for three years Franken back has about that time that I really start to catch the family. And I feel super connected like how this is this my family and tell people I'm adopted that's also because I started Thomas story about that time so. It was one of the things that was. You know very unfortunate for me and having that. Therapeutic you know release and in bonding with my. The parents. Says Ian bonding with your parents you discuss CEO a lot of questions about your father who went first moving to harassment a lot of hesitant sees. How has your relationship with him specifically changed over the years what is it like now. That much better and today he was actually was much easier for me except tennis dad than it was except my mom is mom and so no I have a lot of questions and what has it tends. Once and I kind of talk me through those things and I got to seem very quickly that he wasn't really laid back person. I was like dad cool I never had one I like it by the name that's great let's move forward. And then and so you know that has maintain my dad do again is. You know not to sound cheesy or play cliche but he's an inspiration for what I wanna beat them as a dad when I you know grow up and become a parent to dole you know and so he's that person though that I get to see how he interacts with. In his wife and I says his children and it's really cool and so I have you know. We're great I'm and then my mom and I are great aren't as well but it was again very hard it was when things like throwing up to try to say mom and Menem glory because. Again I knew my mom for ten years and even now I still have a love for my birth mom and so at that time it was extremely I felt like as the turning her calm smiles her name in and Allen's. I was her name I can't. Call this person who is doing all the things amount should do it could call her of that until that was a big struggle for me. And that kind of just clicked one day. Kelly is an all time now yeah now it's hard not you not to call mom in a professional meeting women with other people because it is awkward teenager I call her your mom when. I have really hard to say Lorena yeah the time yeah so its engines I would never via fourteen years ago would have never thought that it would be hard for me to call her by her. First name I'm vs box. So as an adult you know own marine who was in Foster care adopted from Foster care but has chosen a courier in Foster care can you speak Q. And the importance of the system I mean we know that there are. Things that we could always improve upon bikinis you know to. Maybe some positive things that came out of it for now. Yeah. Because that's such a great experience in Foster care and in finding an adoptive home. That's my motivation for why I'm in this system again as an adult finding out that my wrists my experience with atypical it kind of front end and I kinda be extremely frustrated me nine and hearing about kids aging now would just broke my heart and so. Seeing them all the things that have changed since I've been in this field for the last five years has been really cool a lot of the community supports that are there are wrapping around kids. The biggest thing that continues to be a need for our kids to me and what helped me get through it is that attachment peace. People don't. I don't think they were. People forget the social part of the social services. And that every caseworker that come into a kid's life and then leaves is a broken attachment every therapist every doctor every person that has some. Bond with them and then leaves. Without any kind of formal lie is Terry and formalized bid buy process is breaking a very significant attachment and the same issue is Foster parents I mean. You going as a Foster he'll win knowing that it places temporary but kids don't always understand that mean when you explain Tim and I'm an example. I was told I read my files and see that I was told that I did not understand it mean to you leaving I go to their home and your just going Arthur life. Is really damaging and so I really hope that everyone listening are all our community people teachers don't pastors friends they realize. Those attachments are so important and everything you can do to help solidify those who is great I. I I just you know got married couple weeks ago when my Foster parents where they are my phosphorus walked in the processional because they've always been a part of my life. And that's what I feel you know I realize the phosphorus about the kids coming in and out there home but. I think that's important I needed to know that they still cared about me and that's activist in attached really help me. Keep my mom with my adoptive and link I realized okay. It's just a shift it's not a break on which and help me of course solidify relationship with the person and I'm married to him. Did the system do you feel doing a good job of helping you to maintain sibling bonds that you brother and sister yeah hot in. And now again was one of those things because we were adopted my parents are very good about in Seoul we were only I think in the ross' home for like six months before adopted and so wasn't a whole lot of time. For the system to really mess up our siblings bond from mom so both sets of parents are very good about it then really it became an issue with us a sibling I was very mad my brother I felt like he chose them over us and I don't wanna talk to him for a long time. So we've had that back and forth but it. Both sides were very good about. I knew where they were could get to them whenever I needed to you having those attachments again became extremely important and vital for me. On going in again even now. You're connected with here siblings. No way they are needed any time just as much as I talk to mantra yeah. Things where I learned thank god that the Simmons is from all walks of life have those issues where did not necessarily because your blood that your super bonded and so we're all kind of on our own thing right now yeah but it's one of those things that we also. Are there or we need each other yet so that's. You know important and. And I will point out anything that you are. Basically I don't know how you were not my biological some angry basically because you're pretty much the same. Human beings from its very. Very strange dream you were adopted because I feel a few. Are my twin or something. I agree you I mean definitely. Physically. We're not exactly what I and that's how can I mention consonants. My I think that. And an SU ended up with us because I would have been. Missing out on a whole lot if you had not. Yeah I'm very fortunate for all the sports that I had honestly those and I can't even say the word attachment enough as been so important for me. And will be helpful to meet with me becoming a parent and helpful with the work that I do now and so. We have to keep those attachments with our teens who are in care as well. And then as though we will be focusing on this month in our show thank you Nathan so much for being on dashing hopes that. I'm human I seem to fostering how about you guys sponsored a connect a comprehensive regional support and advocacy center for abused and neglected children. This game we stand for them. Learn how to become a Foster parents are how you can help vulnerable kids and other waste. Is an asset sponsored opt out or a Foster not connect on FaceBook and Twitter.